10 steps to taking over the world.

1. Live in the world you’re taking over.
You have to be sure that you REALLY like it. I mean, if you’re going to take it over… it’s going to require a lot of work and dedication. Why spend oodles of your precious time if you’re not sure that you like it.

2. Take over the world’s coffee supplies
It’s what I would do. The only reason there’s a Starbucks in practically every UK street is because they’ve already started taking over the world. Slowly. If you take them over, then it saves you all the groundwork – you get what they’ve already started in one easy swoop. It means time efficiency and well… less work. But I would take it over because I really like coffee.

3. Divide and conquer
The reason why Pinky and the Brain didn’t succeed in taking over the world is because they tried to take over (or do) too much. Sure, aiming big can be a good thing; but this is taking over the world we’re talking about here, its not child’s play…

4. Dress the part
So, you’re taking over the world. Would it hurt to look good while doing it?

5. Wear a comfortable, but gorgeous, heels
You have to maintain your public image. You don’t see anyone with agoraphobia taking over the world do you? No! because they aren’t. To get out there, you need to do a lot of groundwork and a lot of walking around amongst the locals, and as such you need comfortable heels. If you’re a guy, and see a problem with wearing heels, refer to step 6.
(For more on “Dressing the Part”)**

6. Grow a pair … of ovaries.
To take over the world you have to be female. Lets be honest, guys don’t really pull off the high-heeled shoe thing very well, though some have tried. Think of the people trying to take over the world so far, they’ve all been male. James Bond could do so much more, be so much more. He could be the secret agent who takes over the world. But no, he’s got to get the girl every time. And if he doesn’t, then he tries to get away from the world, thereby contradicting step 1 in 10 Steps to Taking Over the World.
(For more on a guy trying to grow a pair – figuratively, as in not really)**

7. Get a monkey*
“’Cause they’re great and you can use them to steal continuum transfunctioners with which you can take over the world”

8. Buy a clip file*
People look like they have a purpose with a clip file…

9. Always remember the people who got you there in the first place
What’s the use of having this whole, big, entire world to play with if you have no time to play with it?? (You think there’s no admin in taking over the world? Oh there is plenty believeyoume) Always remember the little people, they could make good Ministers of Planet Ursurpia (call what you will…).

10. Be logical.
The only world you can really take over is your own. Accept it. Deal with it. Move on. In the sentiments of many a motivational speaker: Do this, and happiness shall follow.

Desrie is not a famous author. She didn’t publish any books, nor did she tour extensively to promote the book she didn’t write. She hasn’t taken over the world, and has written this post with the, “Those who can’t do, teach” line of thinking. If you do take over the world, please remember her teachings got you there, and at the very least give her a nice little chocolate manufacturing plant (with a bonus –endless- supply of coffee) to say “You were right, and thank you”.









*Big thanks to Queue for awesome tips 7 and 8. Would never attempt taking over the world without you dude!




** Also added in two blog posts as additional reading – they really made me laugh … and seemed relevant to their corresponding steps

Being female – worth the monthly feeling of wanting to kill someone

So like a good little almost-geek that I am, I have 2 seasons of Californication on my hard drive. I ignore the reasons as to why I should not watch it, and load the 5th episode for my personal viewing.

It’s a series that encompasses some of the qualities I detest – pretend you’re a bit of a feminist for a bit, watch an episode, and you’d pretty much pick out the detestable bits….

It’s like an older persons Entourage, I think to myself; its less ‘cool’, more edgy, and the.. well, “entourage” is replaced by a little family. Moments of “Why the hell am I willingly subscribing to this sort of thing” ensue, and within a few more moments, pass.

I look at them, the adult members of the family, they’re typing away on their Mac’s. I set aside my childish thoughts (“Hey I use one of those”) and try and zone in on the story.

Various melodramatic attempts to reunite with an Ex, and coy smiles aside, I’m quite taken by some of the prose from one of the scenes – you know, the stuff that supposedly struggling, alcoholic writers who are totally awesome, pen.

I see myself being a hardcore writer, shunning this whole idea of online ‘writing’ and going old school – with a pen and paper and stuff. I see myself wearing only black, answering in single monotone syllables, or referencing some musician or poet from before my time.

The episode ends, I snap put of it and immediately begin typing this – no pen or paper involved, yet still somehow inspired to write something.

And at the end all of this I realize that I’m grateful to be female. I can watch an entire 45 minutes of naked boobs and witness various sexual references, ignore it, and only be able to think of writing something really cool (failing such hopes of literary masterpieces, it’s the thought that counts, right?).

Cape Town: It’s the roads that are rugged, not necessarily the men.

Living in Cape Town has its perks. I’d jot down a list, but really, you could just visit Cape Town Tourism for that.

While the city may currently be all sunshine, and great.big.huge.mountain, there are certain things one needs to survive…

Guts. Driving in your little car, on the narrow roads, sandwiched between trucks that don’t feel any dirtiness in stealing a bit of your lane, it takes guts not to scream like a girl and slam on the brakes.

Lead undies. It’s windy. No … WINDY. Unless you’ve latched a few weights onto your person, or have a heavy surface to cling to .. you’re going to be blown away…

Gaydar. It’s the roads that are rugged (never driven through so many uneven surfaces in my life!), not necessarily the men. That said, I HAVE NO GAYDAR. And while it isn’t a train smash if you’re living on Johannesburg or Durban, or any other city in South Africa; when you’re living in the city known as the “gay capital” .. you better bloody well have Gaydar.

If anyone knows where I can purchase it .. please let me know!

Update: Product Give-Away – The Winners’ Edition

In an earlier post there were 9 AVG Anti-Virus packages up for grabs. I’m pleased to announce the winners!

AVG IS 1 user
1st – Jaco van der walt
2nd – Viana Krause
3rd – Shahil Juggernath

AVG AV 1 user
4th – Zahira Kharsany
5th – Fathima Kathrada
6th – Shaheema Barodien
7th – Jeffery Casuga
8th – Thirusha Nair
9th – Johan Aukamp

Congrats guys! The ama-zing AVG guys will be arranging your prizes.

Of Ghosts and things – Logic is a friend

Its about that time of year again – yes, Halloween. I mention it, not because this post is inspired by it (it isn’t), but because I happened to realize it whilst typing this.

While being paranoid about dodgy people breaking into my place every time I was in the other room, I got to thinking about ghosts. Lets just say that at one point I believed that it could only be ghosts breaking into my place because I only heard noises and there was no actual signs of entry (obviously, because I was just being paranoid and no one was in my apartment!).

In the millisecond it took me to get over the paranoia, I got thinking about the common misconception of ghosts and their whereabouts. This is when it hit me.

Isn’t it really dumb that when ‘restricted’ to our bodies we can travel pretty much everywhere, yet when our “souls” or “spirit” leaves our body (so enabling it to travel to parallel universes) it can be confined to a building or a room, or just a place. That some random “spirit” which could travel to tons of destinations us bodily-confined mortals can’t, without even having to have to deal with airlines and suchlike, would prefer to stay and haunt us.